What We've Been Up To...

For those of you who were wondering, the staff here at CursedCleveland.com has been very busy in 2008, and couldn't be happier about this triumphant and most likely short-lived return to prominence here in '09. One of us has been busy stalking young (Really young) girls on Facebook, using fake AIM screen names to arrange potential sting operation meetings, and occasionally getting in a workout or two. The other has been planning weddings, setting records for watching television series on DVD faster than anyone ever has, finding and evaluating each and every new free porn website, and never (I mean never) working out. I'll allow our esteemed list of readers determine which is which.

Don't expect to see Jeremy G posting any Mock Drafts, as he's moved on to bigger and better things (And by bigger and better things, I mean we just haven't heard from him in a while). Actually, I just received word that Jeremy G may be dropping by from time to time, Thank God! Nevada Nick has also retired, allowing those of you who were foolish enough to take his advice to hopefully pay your bills and stop dodging your bookie. From here on out, you can expect terribly opinionated articles with absolutely no statistical analysis, and punchlines that often won't fit into articles but we simply find too funny not to include.

Don't you worry though, we've gone ahead and added a couple of real journalistic masterminds for your reading pleasure. First, Shane Vendrell, a Journalism & Sports Management major from Harvard (My roommate who graduated from Bowling Green). He currently coaches basketball, and therefore will use his knowledge of the low-post game to dig into all-things Cavs. He, too knows a thing or two about the world of free internet porn and may dabble into that from time to time. Second, Vic Mackey, a physical education major from USC (My other roommate) who's man-crush on every cast member of "The Shield" has become a bit ridiculous as of late. As he's the only one of us who ever played a real sport in college (If you consider playing fullback for a division III program real sport) he'll tackle most of our in-depth Browns analysis. He, more than any of us, knows everything there is to know about the world of internet porn. Expect to hear from him right after his post-workday naps! For those of you who are new to the blog, please don't read any further unless you appreciate one or more of the following things:

Finding the humor in all things relating to Cleveland Sports as a way of coping with the fact that we will all be tortured for the remainder of our lives, much as our fathers have, and their fathers before them (for those of us that have them).

• Jokes pertaining to, or references to dead people (and often those who are recently deceased, there's no "Too Soon" here, only "Too late").
  
• References to AdultFriendFinder.com
  
  Disparaging comments about Lebron James (we'll try to take it easy on him now)
  
• Kobe Bryant
  
• Obsessive man-crushes
  
• Unprotected Sex (On a related note, please exit the site immediately if you have been, or intend on being tested for STD's in the future)

We're back baby, and we encourage your comments (Even those that are more ignorant than the posts themselves...I know, I know that's tough to do). We're also open to new writers, especially those who are of the same set of beliefs as we are. If you'd like to join the team, send along a paragraph about yourself, including insight into your daily habits, the Cleveland Sports Figure you'd most likely hook up with if you had to, and a picture of yourself from the waste down. Continue Entry»

CursedCleveland.com for Sale, Act Fast!!

Exactly two years ago, CursedCleveland.com arrived on the blog scene unlike any other anti-Cleveland sports blog had before. The site was unapologetic in it's mission to make fun of the easy targets, like Richard Jeni, Gerald Levert, and Terry Shiavo. The goal was clear: CursedCleveland was only going after those we wanted to have sex with. In the next two years of on and off again blogging, we gave you access to the teams we hate you love like nobody else. We told you the Browns were bad at coin flipping, that the Cavs should trade LeBron for Kobe, and that Jeanette Lee is the hottest Korean nine ball temptress in the game today.

Ok, now you can see why nobody read our site and why we stopped posting alltogether (Rachel Maddow was giving blow jobs when we posted our last entry). We suck, and for some reason, Waiting For Next Year gets more hits than the New York Times website.

Doing my bad Seth Myers impression:

Really, people flock to their site for real sports jawboning?
Really, they wrote a breaking news story about Beanie Wells and didn't write one joke about how his durability rivals that of Patrick Swayze?
Really, they're live blogging now?

Ok, we get it. They're a good site, if you want straight forward sports talk. They're Paul Harvey to our Howard Stern (or Opie and Anthony, if you wanted a more accurate analogy based on ratings..). Is there room for two of us in this world? Sure. Wait, people still go to Swerb's blurbs? You gotta be fucking kidding me.

Alright, so much like the television station I work for, this blog will always be in last place. And that's why we're doing what Randy Lerner should have done years ago: We're selling the naming rights. CursedCleveland.com is an amazing name. It's catchy and when you use it on a yahoo chat session, you'll be able to arrange meetups with all sorts of girls that might or might not be shopping at Hot Topic.

Look, we have no choice. Much like all the other sketchy sites we, umm.. belong to, GoDaddy automatically renewed our site for two years, while stealing money from our bank account, kinda like what the Indians do when you put money down for post-season tickets.

So get in while you can. Make sure to use Tootie, or Flex pay! It's in Gem Mint condition! Continue Entry»

Rampage Having a Bad Month

NEWPORT, BEACH - Yep, that's former UFC light heavyweight champion Rampage Jackson looking even more vulnerable on the ground than he did at UFC 86. He was arrested Tuesday on at least two felony charges, including evading arrest and a hit and run, apparently taking a page out of Kalib Starnes' Lyoto Machida's playbook (few will get that joke, and even less will laugh).

In the TMZ story, you'll notice that the truck he used to flee police had a gigantic picture of himself emblazoned on the side, which is no doubt part of UFC's grassroots marketing campaign designed to alert ESPN that mixed martial arts does indeed exist (tomorrow I'll be sharing a response I received from ESPN's ombudsman ombudsman's assistant regarding my past criticisms of their MMA coverage).

I'm guessing that while Dana White isn't thrilled about Rampage voluntarily taking himself out of octagon for awhile, he's rejoicing over mainstream media coverage at TMZ. Although, I fully expect newly crowned hot dog eating champion Joey Chestnut to go on a six-state raping and killing spree to steal the press from the UFC like he did two weeks ago. By the way, is anyone else concerned that Kimbo Slice will now have less of a legal record that Rampage Jackson?? The good news is that the 205-pound MMA penal league weight class just got a little deeper. Perhaps Quentin will use his time behind bars to actually develop a game plan.

Continue Entry»

"Big" John Wants Knees to the Face

MONTREAL, QUEBEC - Apparently former UFC referee icon "Big" John McCarthy does have more than four words in his vocabulary, he's speaking out on behalf of the MMA community (as well as wife-beaters everywhere) in trying to legalize knees to the head of a grounded opponent in North American sanctioned bouts. A signature of foreign Pride events, knees to the head of a grounded opponent are thrilling, brutal, and completely necessary in instances of conflict resolution.

"It's a good technique," said McCarthy, who refereed 535 matches during his 15-year career. "It's a very effective tool, and it opens fights up."

535 fights? With that type of experience, this guy should be a mediator in the Middle East Crisis. And it's about time an MMA official steals the limelight from Dan Miragliotta, who butchered the Kimbo Slice fight. Thank God Miragliotta wasn't officiating the Kumite in Bloodsport. He probably would have stood Chong Li back up to "protect" him for their upcoming television deal. Continue Entry»

His Number Really Did Tell Us How Many Games He Would Play

BEREA - So apparently you can come home again, as long as the coming home involves a torn patella tendon and two years on a "physically unable to perform list." According to the PD, Bentley will be making a comeback, but for a team not named the Cleveland Browns. His agent explained the decision to head elsewhere.

"Through no fault of the Browns at all, they didn't know if LeCharles was going to come back or not and they moved on with their plans.

"But this is not the same team LeCharles signed with. They have commitments to other players. LeCharles is not ready to be an insurance policy at this point.''

We're to the point now where LeCharles Bentley is considered an "insurance policy?" A guy that couldn't make it through one training camp snap in two calendar years was our big backup plan? That's like some guy needing a heart transplant and settling for a vet school resident.

And yes Jonathan Feinsod (Bentley's agent), the Browns did move on. Isn't that standard protocol at this point? Don't you think the Batman franchise is going in another direction, or do you think they're waiting for Heath Ledger to make his triumphant return (although probably a better chance than CursedCleveland.com making a legitimate return to terrestrial internet). Continue Entry»

Donaghy's Latest Allegation: Hogan vs Warrior a "Work"

BROOKLYN, NY - Disgraced ex-NBA referee Tim Donaghy has targeted World Wrestling Entertainment in his latest round of accusations, alleging that the historic Wrestlemania VI bout between Hulk Hogan and The Ultimate Warrior was "fixed."

These charges come on the heels of his allegations made yesterday in a court document filed by Donaghy's lawyers describing the manipulation of past NBA playoff games. Donaghy is currently facing 25 years of prison, but is attempting to cooperate with FBI officials to reduce his sentence. He outs a former WWE referee in his latest written statement.

"My people in Vegas say it's common knowledge that Earl Hebner was a "company man" during the main event match between Hogan and Warrior, in which The Warrior overcame Hogan's signature "big boot" and "atomic leg drop" to eventually claim the WWF Championship. Watch the tape, Hebner clearly looked the other way during numerous eye gouges and was deliberately "slow counting" to alter the outcome."

Hebner, now senior referee for TNA Wrestling, took issue with Donaghy's charges.

"We live by a code of ethics in wrestling that few professions can match," Hebner said. "Like any other bout, I checked for foreign objects and made sure the boots were consistent with WWF guidelines. Wrestling is the hardest sport to officiate on the planet."

Prominent wrestling journalist Dave Meltzer wonders what this scandal will do to the sport's reputation.

"We now have to go back and see how the lineage of the WWE title would have been affected had Hogan defeated the Warrior," Meltzer said. "It's quite possible that this "work" changed the course of history in wrestling as we know it. Chris Benoit might still be alive today had this alternative universe not been created."

Legendary jobber Steve Lombardi, known to many as "The Brooklyn Brawler," wondered what these allegations, if proven true, will do to his legacy. He thinks his lifetime record of 5 wins and 231 losses might deserve an asterisk.

"It's troubling to know things weren't exactly on the 'up and up,'" Lombardi said. "I still have to listen to the jokes of people calling my finishing move 'being pinned.'" Continue Entry»

Ira Newble Thinks Kobe is Better Than LeBron

Ira Newble (seen in the picture above assuming his standard in-game position), has released a tell-all. Alright that's an outright lie, ESPN News anchor Bill Pidto has a better chance at a book deal. But he was questioned in the PD yesterday about the overanalyzed Kobe/LeBron debate.

The legendary below average to mediocre Redskin Redhawk put an end to the argument once and for all.

"Newble thinks Bryant, 29, is the more complete player now, primarily because of his perimeter game. But that's taking nothing away from James, 23."

To be fair, Newble said James has the "opportunity" to be better. But that remains buried since I'm not into weakening my argument and damaging my credibility, that's reserved for people who make claims like this. Now, Ira's taken on causes of lesser importance, but finally we have a definitive point of view on this great debate from someone with a career average of less than 5.2 ppg.

So there's no doubt to me, that Newble is an authority figure of sorts. He's the only player appearing in the NBA Finals for the second straight year. OK, I use the term "appearing" loosely. The NBA won't even let the guy film a "Read to Achieve" promo because he hasn't met the criteria of success (CursedCleveland is pretty sure he can read though, he did go to Miami, not Ohio U). According to the PD, Newble has been busy familiarizing himself with the triangle. Which is the equivalent to Tim Donaghy brushing up on the new NBA rule book points of emphasis.

So remember that next time you're in the passenger seat of a car while Gloria engages you in the Kobe/LeBron debate while drinking and driving: Ira Newble said Kobe is better, for now.

Continue Entry»