Man Wins Women's Title!

Ezra Shaw/Getty Images

DOWN UNDER - Congratulations to Serena Williams on winning the Australian Open Women's Title by destroying #1 seed Maria Sharapova (and for looking extremely manly and overweight in the process). Nobody was expecting this victory by the worst dressed player on the tour (Especially not to the tune of 6-1, 6-2 and one of the worst losses in Sharapova's career). Nothing sickens me more than having to listen to this neon-clad nightmare cry and thank her mother (Who is crazy) after the match (Am I the only one who thinks of particular lyrics by Obie Trice when I see Serena Williams in a dress thats too small? Those lyrics are "Built like a stallion, you belong in a race" in case you were wondering, from the title track of his debut cd entitled Cheers.). We just hope this loss doesn't deflate Sharapova, who has more going for her than any other 19 year old girl we know (And we'd like to consider ourselves experts on the lives of 19 year old females).

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Tressel Gets Credit for CursedCleveland Joke

You know you've made it as a satirical and humor based website when people start taking you way too seriously. Case in point. The internet message board community was a buzz this past week when our column titled "Smith Grows One Inch Since Title Game," was confused as literal truth (this sort of thing happens at the Fox News Channel all the time). My hilarious quote: "My entire Florida gameplan hinged on utilizing a 5'11 QB," was passed off as if it was a Tressel witticism. The Clemson fans really think Jim Tressel has was it takes to write for our site, although we remain skeptical:

"Haha thats great. I can always appreciate a good smartass, esp. one as highly respected as Tressel."

But it didn't stop there

"Hey Shoty lighten up. I said that I like a smart ass choach, and it takes balls to be able to joke about a game you didnt do to well in. I wasnt taking shots or compairing him to tommy."

I really hope our story about the Browns upcoming coin flip isn't taken so literally - Vegas might have a little bit of a mess on their hands. Continue Entry»

Cavs Earn Split Against Lowly Sixers

PHILADELPHIA, PA - Looks like LeBron's supporting cast isn't so bad after all. As much as we wanted to make jokes galore about splitting a home-and-home against the Oden-bound Sixers, the Cavaliers were able to get back on track in what was a much needed victory. Some things we definitely learned tonight:

Daniel Gibson is going to get more playing time. His penetration and shot making is desperately needed on this team.

Andre Miller still has a ton of game - A Jason kidd-esque 12-13-12 triple double. The guy can play in the half court, and get out in transition. He's doing everything he can to sabotage the Sixers chances of getting the first pick. You know Billy King is trying to acquire Darius Miles as we speak.

When Damon Jones goes 5-7 from behind the arc, the Cavaliers can beat anyone. We also know that when he goes 0-8, they will lose to everyone.

The DuckTail still has his moments. Gooden throws up a much needed 21 and 10.

Rodney Carney can score , leap, and do nothing else. One assist and one rebound in 34 minutes...but gotta give him some credit, the rookie has a jumper.

Apparently Fred McLeod lived the 2005-06 season vicariously through Michael Reghi. He often regales us with stories about last seasons team as if he was front and center.

"This comeback was reminiscent of last season's effort at the Wachovia Center"..I even remember what suit I wore, and what me and Austin had for Dinner. I think I even said that we could 'Book this one to the Cavs.'"

I'm not even commenting on the "Fathead" reference for Larry's Dunk. Let's just say thank goodness Gilbert doesn't own Viagara.

photo courtesy of cbssportsline.com Continue Entry»

Greg Oden is Pretty Good

We finally found someone who believes in Greg Oden. Bill Livingston offers us his scouting report for the NBA hopeful (if all goes right). Among the interesting assessments in this coming of age analysis:

"Oden has the basics for low-post offense, including a drop step, a jump hook, and fire and brimstone dunks."

Clearly nothing gets past Bill Livingston, especially extra plates of food. Fortunately for Buckeye fans, Livingston sifts through all the usual garbage reporting to deliver a rather profound question that all others have apparently failed to ask:

"The question with Oden is when does he turn pro?

God we miss Roger Brown.

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NO SH*T!

DOWN UNDER- This was Andy Roddick's press conference after getting demolished by Roger Federer at the Australian Open yesterday. You can tell this guy really can't stand losing, and we here at CC.Com commend Roddick for his comical analysis of the match as well as constant mocking of the reporters (Listen for the male reporter who asks him if he'll keep his ideas to himself next time). It's hard to not root for a guy who shows this much emotion on and off the court (Unlike anyone on any of our Cleveland sports teams). When the Press Conference World Rankings come out, Andy will surely be #1, with John L. Smith just a smidgen behind (Romeo Crennel won't quite make the cut, apparently people don't like emotionless interviews that give us no useful insight whatsoever).

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2007 All-Madden Dead Celebrity Team

Photo Courtesy of wii.com

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS - Everybody who knows our good buddy Phil "40oz." Thompson knows that he is one of the meanest people on the planet. He also has no concern for his friends, family, or any other human for that matter (This is obviously why we like him....well sometimes we do). For years we have been hearing rumors of a team that Phil had created on Madden football where he proudly featured some of the most recently deceased celebrities. He refused to disclose details to anyone until the rosters could be completed. Well, to the delight of CC.com, recent mishaps in the lives of a few have allowed the rosters to be finalized. We are proud to present the full roster for the 2007 All-Dead Team as follows (Please do not read any further if you are unable to laugh at the misfortunes of others, this article is meant strictly for entertainment, and is not meant to offend or upset anyone):

COACHING STAFF

Head Coach- Jimmy Valvano Offensive Coordinator- Saddam Hussein

Defensive Coordinator- Ken Lay Team Doctors- Arthur Ashe & Christopher Reeves

Sideline Reporter- Princess Diana President of Football Operations- Gerald Ford

Team Mascot-Steve Irwin

OFFENSE

QB- Payne Stewart RB- Dale Earnhardt C- Laci Peterson

LG- John Candy LT- Kirby Puckett RG- Natalee Holloway

RT- Gerald Levert WR- Len Bias WR- Bobby Phills

TE- JonBenet Ramsey TE- Aaliyah FB- Yasser Arafat

DEFENSE

DE- Ken Caminiti DT- Notorious B.I.G. DT- Big Punisher

DE- Chris Farley OLB-JFK Jr. MLB- John Belushi

OLB- Phil Hartman CB- Ron Goldman CB- Drazen Petrovic

FS- Tupac Shakur SS- Nicole Brown Simpson

SPECIAL TEAMS

P- John Lennon K- Lisa "LeftEye" Lopez KR/PR- Sonny Bono

Wedge Buster- Kurt Cobain-This guy's not afraid to blast through anything!

ANALYSIS: Some of the team leaders include Dale Earnhardt at running back for his expert ability to maneuver through crowded areas and isn’t afraid to take on a tackler head on! The anchor for the Offensive line is easily Natalee Holloway. Her ability to create a hole and only allow the perpetrator to know where it is, keeps defenses struggling to bring down the ball carrier. I believe the tight ends speak for themselves, JonBenet Ramsey and Aaliyah share these duties depending the situation. Tupac was a unanimous choice at free safety and continues to lead the team in both open field tackles and post game celebrations. Despite his problems in the Coaches vs Cancer Classic, we're still confident Jim Valvano could coach these teams. The Defensive line is as close to a perfect front four as you can get. With Caminiti and Farley relying on their size, strength, energy, and pure Columbian Cocaine, there hasn’t been a better pass rush in the history of football. The meat in the middle, Big Pun and Biggie, make running on this team impossible. While there currently isn’t a “Rooney Rule” in place for the QB position, we only saw one potential candidate to fill this spot. That person is none other than Mr. Payne Stewart. His fiery personality and leadership skills will take this team to the top, and even after we have stopped firing on all cylinders, he will help the team coast for a lengthy period of time before we come to a crashing halt. The coaching staff and other skill positions also were pretty obvious choices. Sonny Bono’s disregard for his own body landed him as the starting kick and punt returner, while Arthur Ashe is there for any medical attention the players might need. Local R&B legend Gerald Levert, would sing the national anthem.

(*Special Note- This team will not be updated for many years, as it will take many more unfortunate events to replace this incredibly talented roster.)

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Bengals Continue to Impress...

Photo courtesy of Robert Beck/SI

CINCINNATI, OHIO - According to the Philadelphia Daily News, a Cincinnati Bengals scout by the name of Greg Seamon (pronounced Se-men) was recently quoted as saying that OSU star Troy Smith is "An over hyped Heisman quarterback who will flop in the NFL." These guys in the Bengals' organization really know how to keep a low profile (The word classy comes to mind every time I see those miserable uniforms). There seems to be no reason for this scout to be discussing Smith's future, as the Bengals are set at the QB position for years to come with Carson Palmer. Clearly, if they were in the market for a quarterback, they'd gear themselves towards Hawaii standout Colt Brennan. Colt was a walk-on at Colorado after high-school, but was cut from the team after a woman accused him of breaking into her room, fondling her, and exposing himself to her (It's one thing to break in, and another thing to fondle an unwilling girl, but I draw the line when you expose yourself). Anyhow, the future for Smith is something nobody can accurately predict...the future for the Bengals certainly includes crime, controversy, and maybe some football on the side. Continue Entry»