Saturday, January 24, 2009

NBA Power Rankings CLEVELAND, OH - We are halfway through the NBA season and after already dishing out the Cavs Midseason Report Card, it’s time for “Shane Vendrell’s NBA Power Rankings” (Top 16 edition). The rankings featured below are not to be confused with the ridiculously autistic “Hollinger Power Rankings” or the dim-witted “Marc Stein Power Rankings.” Unlike those, these rankings are much more ignorant and much less popular but I’m bringing them to you nonetheless. With that being said, let’s not waste any more time and get right to the action…

16. Sixers – Philly had a rough start to the season but they have been playing better as of late and with the Elton Brand set to come back they could make some noise in the East. Let’s not get carried away though, they’ll make about as much noise as a girl does that I brought home from the bar when I’m “pleasuring” her.

15. Heat – They’ve got DWade, who is absolutely phenomenal, and that’s about it. (Although dead last in the league in three point shooting %) Now that Shawn Marion doesn’t have Steve Nash to play alongside with he is not the same player he was, however, he did seem to retain the same disgusting jump shot form. This team will make the playoffs but an early 1st round exit looks to be in their future.

14. Pistons – This team just keeps getting older and the Billups-Iverson trade is just blowing up in their face. And don’t tell me it’s because Rip Hamilton was out because they have struggled since his return. Don’t look for this team to make a deep postseason run like Pistons teams of the past as they’re not even close to the same team. Rodney Rogers and Richard Collier have a better chance at making a run than this team does.

13. Suns – Same story, different year. The suns will win a decent amount of games, make you think maybe this is the year, and then get bounced in the first or second round. Shaq is 84 yrs old and less dominant than a girl in David Meggett’s bedroom. Nash and Amare are great but this team is not coming close to a championship anytime soon.

12. Mavs – My unhealthy male crush on Dirk Nowitzki will not allow me to bash the Mavs but here’s another team that will win more than they lose and get knocked out in the first or second round. Enough about that though how awesome is big Dirk dog? Does it get any better than the seven footer from Germany? The answer is no, it does not.

11. Jazz – The Jazz have the best coach in the league and the best state to attempt to marry multiple women at the same time. Boozer has been hurt which hasn’t helped but, when healthy, this is a dangerous team that I wouldn’t want to see in the playoffs.

10. Blazers – One of my favorite teams in the league, the Blazers are loaded with young talent and should be a force in the Western Conference in years to come as long as Greg Oden can stay healthy. That being said, they are still about two years away from being a serious contender and I’m about two years away from reaching puberty.

9. Hawks - Same story here, another fun team loaded with young talent that is a couple acquisitions/years away from being a contender. Al Horford going down was a big blow, as he has been sorely missed, but do not count this team out. They gave the Celtics fits in last year’s playoffs kind of like how I gave the last girl I slept with an STD.

8. Nuggets - Boy did that Billups trade work out nicely for this team as they have overachieved in every way this year. Even with Melo missing time they are still winning games and trying to state their case as a legit contender in the West. However, George Karl still can’t get this team to play D which is why they are most certainly NOT a legit contender.

7. Spurs – The ageless wonders are back at it again, winning lots of games and getting role players to hit clutch shots for them again and again (see Roger Mason, Robert Horry). Popovich is a phenomenal coach but can they put it all together for one last championship run? That’s like asking if Eva Longoria can keep her hands off me and stay faithful to Tony Parker. The answer to both is obviously 100% NO.

6. Hornets – It has been a roller coaster type season for these Hornets and they need to improve on the road, but I absolutely love this team. Chris Paul is the best point guard ever to play the game and he’s got some weapons around him (although Peja needs to sack up and pick it up). This team is definitely one to be taken seriously as is the red rash that has appeared on my undercarriage this morning.

5. Rockets – When healthy and not acting like children, this Houston Rockets team is absolutely loaded with talent. There is no doubt that they are championship contenders, however, the chances of Yao/TMac not getting hurt and Artest not being the worst teammate on Earth are equal to the chances of CursedCleveland still being around in February.

4. Magic – I keep trying to tell myself that this Magic team is not for real but road wins over the Spurs, Lakers, and Nuggets have made me a believer. Not to mention they are 17-5 on the road and 18-4 against the West. Let’s not get carried away though this team is not beating the Celtics or Cavs in a seven game series but I certainly wouldn’t be excited to face them.

3. Celtics – The defending champs are still a force to be reckoned with but I don’t see a repeat in their future. Paul Pierce is the most overrated player in the league and couldn’t carry Kobe or LeBron’s jock, while Jesus Shuttlesworth is half the player he was at Big State. KG, you are still the man but I’m afraid you will never get that 2nd ring.

2. Cavs - How awesome was that game winner last night? These Cavs are the real deal and should face the Celtics in the East Conf. Finals for a trip to the Finals. I still believe they are one move away from contending with the Lakers and hopefully Danny Ferry can get that done. Rossitron don’t hesitate to hook your boy up with some playoff tickets!

1. Lakers – Best and deepest team in the league with the best player in the league (Mambaaaaaaaa!). Do I really need to say more?


Anonymous said...


Rossitron said...

Since when did Pau (otherwise known as Paul to Kenny Smith) take on the nickname Mamba?


Webmaster said...


thecollegehockeyblog said...

No Mario Chalmers mention? fail.

Anonymous said...

Mario Chalmers?

Was that the butler's son on Benson?

Webmaster said...

Anyone want to write anything today? I sure don't.

ShaneVendrell said...

I don't really have anything substantive, but that's never stopped me before!

BSmith said...

Same here.

webmaster said...

Me three.

Anne Frank said...

my blog kinda lacked substance too, they would never give me enough time to get to the point, with all those gas chambers and all.

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