Thursday, July 5, 2007

My Wish


So how about ESPN rolling out the second installment of their mildly ostentatious series "My Wish?" You know, the self-important series that enthusiastically brings together both tragedy and awkwardness like nobody else. Don't get me wrong, I think it's great that terminally ill children get to meet millionaire athletes who pose as mentors for a day (did anyone see how many times Dwyane Wade peered down at his Rolex during his one-on-one matchup with Noah?), I just don't want to be made to feel badly about how well things are going in my life.

So without further adieu, I present to you my personal wishes. And save the obvious jokes about me either wishing to: have a job, or to have a sense of humor, or to meet a member of the opposite sex, or to meet a member of the opposite sex of age, or not of age...just save them.

MY WISHES

-Clevelanders would stop talking about what a “blue collar” city we are. They act like it’s a badge of honor, when in reality, it’s worse than walking around with a scarlet letter, but not as bad as genital herpes (trust me). I’m not interested in getting guys who wear the proverbial hardhat and carry around the metaphorical lunch pale. I’m interested in talented megalomaniacs who show up on gamedays and perform; not guys built in the Mason Unck-mode who might overachieve on the occasional Sunday (during the off-season while auditioning for the arena league).

-Browns fans would realize that we’re not one of the top fan bases in all of sports. What exactly have they been basing this on over the past 20 years? The fact that we have a largest backers organization? All that signifies is that there’s been a mass exodus from our mediocre city (see my blue-collar rant). You know who else thinks they have the best fans in the NFL? Let’s see… Kansas City, Denver, Green Bay, Oakland, Seattle, Buffalo, Indianapolis, Philadelphia, both New York teams, Dallas, Washington, Chicago, Minnesota, and Arizona – OK, Just seeing if you were paying attention.

-Tribe fans would stop lauding Mark Shapiro as the best GM in sports history. I think he’s been fine, but eventually we’ll have to realize that getting lucky in the draft here and there doesn’t necessarily translate to world championships. Unless you’re operating under the assumption that it’s impossible to win a championship with Dolan’s philosophy..err..lack of funds, then you have to reevaluate the job Shapiro has done to this point. He’s been good, but not great.

-A select few would stop exaggerating the public’s feelings on performance enhancing drugs. I just did an informal poll this morning, and neither myself or the 15 people I correspond with on AdultFriendFinder.com have any problems with steroids. Come to think of it, I want my players cheating, on the field and on their wives. And when are all the Barry Bonds bashers going to entertain the thought that he’s probably hit some home runs off some juiced pitchers? Should those home runs be then considered “legitimate?”

-The PD’s Bill Livingston would write an entertaining column for Clevelanders younger than 72. Actually that’s rather presumptuous. That’s assuming people above that age are entertained by “Livy.” And you know what? I just asked Roberto Hernandez this yesterday and he’s not a reader.

-General Mills would sell Cinnamon Toast Crunch milk. In my book, there’s nothing better (there’s also a ton of typos in my book, which is still looking for a publicist).

-Sports(some)Time(s) Ohio would ban Matt Underwood from using the term “souvenir city.” With all the late-game heroics of late, the national media has gotten their fill of the terrible catchphrase. What’s he going to come up with next…"Goodbye Baseball?" Oh that’s right, he uses that one too. Continue Entry»