Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Rampage Having a Bad Month

NEWPORT, BEACH - Yep, that's former UFC light heavyweight champion Rampage Jackson looking even more vulnerable on the ground than he did at UFC 86. He was arrested Tuesday on at least two felony charges, including evading arrest and a hit and run, apparently taking a page out of Kalib Starnes' Lyoto Machida's playbook (few will get that joke, and even less will laugh).

In the TMZ story, you'll notice that the truck he used to flee police had a gigantic picture of himself emblazoned on the side, which is no doubt part of UFC's grassroots marketing campaign designed to alert ESPN that mixed martial arts does indeed exist (tomorrow I'll be sharing a response I received from ESPN's ombudsman ombudsman's assistant regarding my past criticisms of their MMA coverage).

I'm guessing that while Dana White isn't thrilled about Rampage voluntarily taking himself out of octagon for awhile, he's rejoicing over mainstream media coverage at TMZ. Although, I fully expect newly crowned hot dog eating champion Joey Chestnut to go on a six-state raping and killing spree to steal the press from the UFC like he did two weeks ago. By the way, is anyone else concerned that Kimbo Slice will now have less of a legal record that Rampage Jackson?? The good news is that the 205-pound MMA penal league weight class just got a little deeper. Perhaps Quentin will use his time behind bars to actually develop a game plan.
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Wednesday, June 11, 2008

"Big" John Wants Knees to the Face

MONTREAL, QUEBEC - Apparently former UFC referee icon "Big" John McCarthy does have more than four words in his vocabulary, he's speaking out on behalf of the MMA community (as well as wife-beaters everywhere) in trying to legalize knees to the head of a grounded opponent in North American sanctioned bouts. A signature of foreign Pride events, knees to the head of a grounded opponent are thrilling, brutal, and completely necessary in instances of conflict resolution.
"It's a good technique," said McCarthy, who refereed 535 matches during his 15-year career. "It's a very effective tool, and it opens fights up."
535 fights? With that type of experience, this guy should be a mediator in the Middle East Crisis. And it's about time an MMA official steals the limelight from Dan Miragliotta, who butchered the Kimbo Slice fight. Thank God Miragliotta wasn't officiating the Kumite in Bloodsport. He probably would have stood Chong Li back up to "protect" him for their upcoming television deal. Continue Entry»

His Number Really Did Tell Us How Many Games He Would Play

BEREA - So apparently you can come home again, as long as the coming home involves a torn patella tendon and two years on a "physically unable to perform list." According to the PD, Bentley will be making a comeback, but for a team not named the Cleveland Browns. His agent explained the decision to head elsewhere.

"Through no fault of the Browns at all, they didn't know if LeCharles was going to come back or not and they moved on with their plans.

"But this is not the same team LeCharles signed with. They have commitments to other players. LeCharles is not ready to be an insurance policy at this point.''

We're to the point now where LeCharles Bentley is considered an "insurance policy?" A guy that couldn't make it through one training camp snap in two calendar years was our big backup plan? That's like some guy needing a heart transplant and settling for a vet school resident.

And yes Jonathan Feinsod (Bentley's agent), the Browns did move on. Isn't that standard protocol at this point? Don't you think the Batman franchise is going in another direction, or do you think they're waiting for Heath Ledger to make his triumphant return (although probably a better chance than making a legitimate return to terrestrial internet). Continue Entry»

Donaghy's Latest Allegation: Hogan vs Warrior a "Work"

BROOKLYN, NY - Disgraced ex-NBA referee Tim Donaghy has targeted World Wrestling Entertainment in his latest round of accusations, alleging that the historic Wrestlemania VI bout between Hulk Hogan and The Ultimate Warrior was "fixed."

These charges come on the heels of his allegations made yesterday in a court document filed by Donaghy's lawyers describing the manipulation of past NBA playoff games. Donaghy is currently facing 25 years of prison, but is attempting to cooperate with FBI officials to reduce his sentence. He outs a former WWE referee in his latest written statement.
"My people in Vegas say it's common knowledge that Earl Hebner was a "company man" during the main event match between Hogan and Warrior, in which The Warrior overcame Hogan's signature "big boot" and "atomic leg drop" to eventually claim the WWF Championship. Watch the tape, Hebner clearly looked the other way during numerous eye gouges and was deliberately "slow counting" to alter the outcome."
Hebner, now senior referee for TNA Wrestling, took issue with Donaghy's charges.

"We live by a code of ethics in wrestling that few professions can match," Hebner said. "Like any other bout, I checked for foreign objects and made sure the boots were consistent with WWF guidelines. Wrestling is the hardest sport to officiate on the planet."

Prominent wrestling journalist Dave Meltzer wonders what this scandal will do to the sport's reputation.

"We now have to go back and see how the lineage of the WWE title would have been affected had Hogan defeated the Warrior," Meltzer said. "It's quite possible that this "work" changed the course of history in wrestling as we know it. Chris Benoit might still be alive today had this alternative universe not been created."

Legendary jobber Steve Lombardi, known to many as "The Brooklyn Brawler," wondered what these allegations, if proven true, will do to his legacy. He thinks his lifetime record of 5 wins and 231 losses might deserve an asterisk.

"It's troubling to know things weren't exactly on the 'up and up,'" Lombardi said. "I still have to listen to the jokes of people calling my finishing move 'being pinned.'" Continue Entry»

Ira Newble Thinks Kobe is Better Than LeBron

Ira Newble (seen in the picture above assuming his standard in-game position), has released a tell-all. Alright that's an outright lie, ESPN News anchor Bill Pidto has a better chance at a book deal. But he was questioned in the PD yesterday about the overanalyzed Kobe/LeBron debate.

The legendary below average to mediocre Redskin Redhawk put an end to the argument once and for all.

"Newble thinks Bryant, 29, is the more complete player now, primarily because of his perimeter game. But that's taking nothing away from James, 23."
To be fair, Newble said James has the "opportunity" to be better. But that remains buried since I'm not into weakening my argument and damaging my credibility, that's reserved for people who make claims like this. Now, Ira's taken on causes of lesser importance, but finally we have a definitive point of view on this great debate from someone with a career average of less than 5.2 ppg.

So there's no doubt to me, that Newble is an authority figure of sorts. He's the only player appearing in the NBA Finals for the second straight year. OK, I use the term "appearing" loosely. The NBA won't even let the guy film a "Read to Achieve" promo because he hasn't met the criteria of success (CursedCleveland is pretty sure he can read though, he did go to Miami, not Ohio U). According to the PD, Newble has been busy familiarizing himself with the triangle. Which is the equivalent to Tim Donaghy brushing up on the new NBA rule book points of emphasis.

So remember that next time you're in the passenger seat of a car while Gloria engages you in the Kobe/LeBron debate while drinking and driving: Ira Newble said Kobe is better, for now.
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Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Triumphant Returns Suck

Don't call it a comeback, we've been here for days. I'll be flat-out honest with most of you, I'm not real happy about attempting to get back into this. Most of you could never identify with the overwhelming pressure that goes along with running a blog that gets little to no readership at it's peak. By the way, I'd like to congratulate the fine writers over at Major League Jerk. They've really cornered the market on breaking down all-things Luis Gonzalez.

So how about people continuing to bash Mike Brown. The Lakers are allegedly the most talented crop of athletes assembled since "Best of the Best" (although one could easily argue the Lakers have better actors), yet they are having just as much of a problem scoring the basketball as the Cavs had. So one of the following must be true: The Cavs have a better coach than they are getting credit for, or they have a much better supporting cast.

The big news this week in Browns camp is that LeCharles Bentley has been "cleared" for practice. We addressed the whole LeCharles situation way back when our blog was hitting on all cylinders, full of spunk and sticktuidness. Now, will Bentley's emergence guarantee parades down Euclid avenue? Probably not (the only thing I've been observing down our signature street is very affordable, but a little too square in the jaw - with an adam's apple the size of LeBron's ego). I'm not exactly sure how this whole Browns thing is going to pan out this year, but what I do know is that we're getting more primetime television appearances than Jim Mckay at this point.

As for the Indians, they were actually tolerable tonight thanks to CC working a game in less time than it took me to digest an overrated Jud Apatow flick. Why again are pitchers and batters allowed to call "time" again? Would the game be worse off if the players had to dig in and... wait for it... play ball? I will be following up with an anti-baseball manifesto. Be excited.

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Tuesday, May 6, 2008

CursedCleveland to Make Triumphant Return

Thanks eveyrone for the letters, gifts and candy. Yes, CursedCleveland is plotting it's return to terrestrial internet. We've hired an L.A. -based internet consulting firm to help us with our relaunch. Early returns are that are site was over-reliant on death jokes, Kobe vs LeBron arguments, and preteen jokes. Not to mention our site getting hijacked by "NevadaNick" like we were commercial passenger jet airliners heading for New York.

You'll be pretty impressed with site's new starpower. One of writer's is a television broadcaster in West Virginia, while another does a concession stand at an up-scale Cleveland-based country club. We welcome your feedback, as it will probably be the subject our our first post titled "Your feedback, and why we're dismissing it in favor of death jokes, Kobe vs LeBron argumens and preteen jokes. Continue Entry»