Saturday, February 10, 2007

An Online Petition Not Involving Ron Zook

CLEVELAND - Known for their considerable rate of success, online petitions have become almost as commonplace on the world wide web as sports blogs dwelling on the misfortune of Cleveland sports teams (examples 1, 2, 3). It seems that some Browns fans have created, with one unequivocal goal in mind - but you'll have to do your own research to figure that out. Although, no such site was needed to convince Butch Davis to take long-snapper Ryan Pontbriand in the fifth round. Continue Entry»

Taking the "Fan" Out of "Fanatical Violence"

ROME, ITALY - If a man head-butts another man’s chest, and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? Italy may soon have the answer to that question, as its Serie A league will resume Sunday, with 11 of 21 games being played in empty stadiums following the death of a police officer in an earlier match. As you might expect, soccer players are not enthused about hearing their own echoes when they flop to the ground. Milan striker Fillipo Inzaghi was quoted as saying, “I really hope a solution is found because soccer without fans just doesn't exist." You hear that Beckham? Apparently you’re traveling all the way to Los Angeles to play in a sport that isn’t even real.

All kidding aside, I think the most disturbing part of the story is found here, where Variety notes that Rupert Murdoch and other broadcasters may be thrilled about the news, since more fans will watch the soccer matches at home, driving up ratings. Not to give him any ideas, but can’t you just see Bud Selig closing down ball-parks around the country and then selling a special “lockdown games” package to DirecTV? All told however, I think the biggest loser in the whole affair is David Stern…I mean let’s be honest, the WNBA has been playing to empty stadiums for years, but it’s never gotten this sort of press attention for it.

Story written by our East Coast Correspondent Alexander Goot Continue Entry»

Friday, February 9, 2007

Floyd Landis to Sit Out 2007

Paris - Floyd Landis, the man who tarnished the name of countless Mennonite cyclists that came before him has agreed to sit out the 2007 Tour de France and any races that take place in France as part of an agreement with French doping authorities. This all comes after Landis tested positive for extremely high levels of testosterone after last year's 17th stage of the Tour de France. Landis, however, still maintains his innocence (but maybe not his dignity). After testing positive on the "A" sample from the French lab, Landis nominated and paid his own expert to do the "B" sample.........and that one turned out to be positive as well.

Landis joins the likes of countless other athletes who have tested positive for performance enhancing drugs, but somehow can't find out how they got there: Shawn Merriman, Mark McGwire, Justin Gatlin, Brian Boitano, Rafael Palmeiro, Ivan Rodriguez and Shawn Bradley.

(Photgraph is actually of Floyd Landis, not Charlie Frye)
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If You Like Guys, You Better Let Ya Boy LeBron Know!

CLEVELAND, OHIO - On the eve of a very important confrontation with the Miami Heat (Who's season we may have already resurrected letting them steal one from us last week), Lebron James feels it's important to let his opinions on homosexuals in the NBA be heard. According the, Lebron thinks that trust is very important between teammates, and that if you are gay and don't let your boys know, then you aren't trustworthy. Personally, I think he should be more worried about the current problems with the Cavs offense than who is looking at him in the shower, but hey priorities are different for everyone. Note to other Cavs players: Watch the way you slap Lebron's ass from now on, you might lose his trust! Continue Entry»

Another New Citizen

ST. LOUIS, MO - Here at, we'd like to congratulate Albert Pujols on scoring 100% on his U.S. Citizen test this week....Way to go! We'd also like to congratulate him for having the most ridiculously poor complexion in the league (This is a bold faced lie, teammate Julian Tavarez obviously wins this award, but he's not cool enough to get a feature article or a female for that matter), however this congratulations probably won't go as well received (Actually, it doesn't matter because nobody reads this anyways). When asked to comment on the importance of becoming a citizen of the country that has brought him to prominenece, Pujols calmly responded "Quien da una mierda?"
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Thursday, February 8, 2007

Manning Up

Attention to everyone who would like to get back the four hours of their lives which they wasted watching Super Bowl XLI: Quit feeling sorry for yourselves and embrace the horror that is now becoming one Chicago man’s reality. An unintelligent and uninformed die-hard Bears fan by the name of Scott Wiese is in the process of officially changing his name as a result of one of the most heinous bets in recent memory (not to worry Kingnick, this bet won’t hold a candle to half of your “lock of the day” picks). Due to a bet gone awry and the Bears memorable efforts on Super Bowl Sunday, Mr. Wiese was forced to change his alias to Peyton Manning. This story raises many questions; How stupid does someone have to be to actually follow through with this bet? Who would make such a wager based on a team quarterbacked by Rex Grossman? and finally, does this guy have any friends? The answers; Forrest Gump, Rain Man, and probably more than I do. A word to the wise folks, if you’re planning on making a similar bet in the future, make sure there is a better option for the name change. For instance, should the Cavaliers fall to the Pistons come playoff time, I will forever more be known as Rip Hamilton. My apologies for the last three minutes that you can never get back.
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Long Distance Shootout Set

LAS VEGAS, NV - The self-proclaimed "Best shooter in the world," now knows who his competition will be in the three-point contest next week. Joining Jones will be Agent Zero, Dirk, Nash and J-Kap (we can all agree Kapono has earned a nickname at this point, can't we?). We're not entirely sure that Jones is best suited for this contest - although he won't have to guard anyone, which helps. With only 60 seconds to get to all five racks, Jones's famous "three on the platter" routine puts him in serious jeopardy of only getting 10 or so shots off in the allotted time. Despite that, Jones has been gearing up for this type of attention since birth.

"I'm a walking sound bite. I'm walking entertainment. There's not going to be a bigger stage than Vegas this year. The lights, glitter, cameras and action fits in with my persona."

How can they not have Jones mic'd up for the entire week? They could make this on-demand type programming immediately, and i'll get right to it right after finishing up the third season of "Cathouse" and the new "Hookers at the Point."

photo courtesy of cbssporsline
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Kerry Asking Direct TV for a Flip Flop

WASHINGTON, DC - Massachusetts Senator John Kerry is attempting to block Direct TV's attempt to become the exclusive home of Major League Baseball. This coming from the guy that rooted for the Red Sox before he rooted against them. We're expecting the Swift Boat Vets to prepare a statement in the coming weeks that accuses Kerry of never really enjoying baseball in the fist place. Continue Entry»

Wednesday, February 7, 2007

Plummer to Spend '07-08 on His Back

HOUSTON, TEXAS - According to the Houston Chronicle, David Carr will be traded and Jake Plummer will be the starting quarterback for the Texans next season (Is it too soon to change his nickname to Jake "The Sack" Plummer?). Apparently new coach Gary Kubiak's thinking...I don't know what the hell he's thinkin'! The Kenny Loggins look-alike will be thrust into a terrible offense and the worst o-line in the league (Well statistically they are the worst, but I can make a strong argument for the Browns tandem of slow, unathletic penalty-magnets), and apparently they're also looking into developing a rookie behind Jake. Emerging young wideout Andre Johnson was quoted as saying "I better work on my tackling, don't want these guys returning all Jake's interceptions for TD's" shortly after catching wind of these plans.
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"Out"numbered Six-to-One

Following today’s announcement that former five-year NBA center John Amaechi is homosexual, we here at decided to do our best Carl Monday (insert joke here) and do some investigative reporting regarding sexual orientation in professional sports. Our findings may surprise you. While Amaechi is indeed the first professional basketball player to “come out,” he surely is not the first professional athlete. Amaechi joins former NFL running back David Kopay, offensive lineman Roy Simmons and defensive lineman Esera Tuaolo, former L.A. Dodger outfielder Glenn Burke and utility infielder Billy Bean as the only openly gay athletes in America.

Conversely, only one American professional athlete, Mike Piazza of the Oakland Athletics, has come out to publicly declare his heterosexuality. “I am not gay. I am heterosexual,” Piazza declared publicly in May of 2002. Surprisingly, he is the first and only professional athlete to openly declare his heterosexuality.

So let the record reflect our final statistics. As of today, American professional sport boasts six athletes that have proclaimed their fondness for the same sex, while only Piazza has declared his heterosexuality. Stat check: Gay-6 Straight-1

Upon revealing this surprising statistic, we here at welcome Kerry Kittles, Christian Laettner, Michael Strahan, Jeff Foster and Alex Rodriguez to publicly declare their heterosexuality immediately so that gap between openly gay and openly straight athletes may be closed. No really, we’ve been wondering…

CORRECTION: After the publication of this article, it has been brought to our attention that John Amaechi is indeed NOT the first professional basketball player to “come out.” Cheryl Swoopes of WNBA fame openly announced her sexual relationship with another woman in October of 2005.

SECOND CORRECTION: Upon further review, we rescind our first correction. While Cheryl Swoopes did in fact declare her lesbianism in 2005, we were mistaken in referring to the WNBA as a professional sport. We apologize for our error and any damage it may have caused.

On a completely unrelated note, The Plain Dealer is reporting that girls like to kiss other girls.

-Posted by Insider Columnist Juice Brennan-

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Ron Artest's Dog Seized

Sacramento, California - According to, animal service officers seized an underfed Great Dane from Ron Artest's mansion. Apparently Artest was issued a warning by animal services on Jan 30th to feed his dog because of neighbors' complaints that it looked like the dog was starving. As of Monday it appeared as if Artest still wasn't too keen on the whole idea of feeding his dog so the Placer County animal services officers returned, and took the dog into their custody. Artest was told that he has 10 days to request a hearing.

Surprisingly, it was Artest's neighbors who ratted him out (which is a pretty ballsy move). In a recent poll, Artest was voted "Most Desirable Black-Athlete to have as a Neighbor" by Sacramento's largely white upper-class demographic. Finishing right behind him in the MDBAN's were Pacman Jones, Chris Henry and Stephen Jackson.

Artest was unavailable for comment but I'm sure he was crushed by the news that they took away his dog for not feeding it, only a week after they told him they would take it away in a week if he didn't feed it.

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Pour Me Another...Or I Will Kill You

INDIANAPOLIS, IN - Talk about a post Super Bowl bash gone bad: A death threat, an attempted coat stealing, and a severed earlobe later, more Pacers are in trouble with the law. Perhaps this is Jamaal Tinsley's way of reaching out to an old friend. The bar's manager said he was "unable to defend himself" during the scuffle. Judging by the way Tinsley guards the opposition, neither could he. Former BG Falcon Keith McLeod reportedly pulled a Costanza, and was seen shoving nearby elderly ladies and handicapped individuals. Seems like only a year ago Cavs fans thought the Pacers were going to be a formidable opposition for years to come. Maybe if the category was "criminal rap sheets." Continue Entry»

Browns Sign Steve Sanders!!

CLEVELAND, OHIO - According to Cleveland, our beloved Brownies have signed three players off of the reserve squad and are sending five total players over to NFL Europe. Woohoo! Amongst these players is wide receiver Steve Sanders, and judging by the way he's performed in the practice squad over the past year, we might as well have signed the Steve Sanders pictured above (Of course, we'd have to change our team colors to neon yellow, orange and green in order to keep up with 90210 fashion). In related news, the Cowboys have signed Brandon Walsh, and the Lions will be welcoming in Dylan McKay later this afternoon.

photo courtesy of Continue Entry»

Signing Day Woes

COLUMBUS, OH - I'm sure most of you figured a perfect 12-0 regular season and a stranglehold on the #1 ranking for nearly five months would pay some hefty recruiting dividends. Well at least we beat out Illinois - oh wait, Scouts.Ink says the Zookster nabbed a top-10 Class, nine spots ahead of the Buckeyes. What exactly was Jim Tressel doing from November 19th till January 8th? - "getting the Buckeyes ready for Florida" is not a legitimate response. In case you were wondering, the football factories at Georgia Tech and Clemson also topped the scarlet and gray. The "U" endured a year of embarrassments including a coaching change, a midfield fracas, and a completely unrelated death - and yet still had more prospects asking "Where do I sign?" And to top it off, Michigan, came out ahead as well.

Scouts.Ink rankings
OSU Doesn't Crack top 10
Small but Formidalbe Continue Entry»

Tuesday, February 6, 2007


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Andy Reid must be incredibly proud of his 21 year-old son today after he made headlines for a very uncommon crime amongst his age group. According to Sports Illustrated, Britt Reid (Remember Britt from 8th & Ocean, man she was hot....wait Andy Reid really named his son Britt?) was arraigned on nine counts, including one for making terroristic threats (He doesn't really fit the terrorist demographic, ya know with the red hair and pale skin). The young Ed Herman look-alike got into an argument with another motorist on Jan. 30th, and proceeded to pull out a gun, point it at the guy, and then drive off laughing (In all seriousness, what citizen of this awful-driving Country hasn't wished they had a gun in the glove box to have some fun with during some sort of on-road altercation in their lifetime? The only difference is, this guy actually was drugged up enough to do it.). The best part about this story is the fact that the other motorist was quoted as describing young Reid to police as: "A white kid trying to act like a gangster." Can we be any more politcally correct? I would have paid good money to interview the alleged victim of this hysterical debacle. Anyhow, I think it's safe to say that Andy Reid has done a hell of a job with this young man, and I look forward to his next "Wannabe Gangster" crime story.

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Fratello Era "Happier" Than We Thought?

If this is true, then Terrell Brandon, Chris Mills, Dan Majerlie, Tyronne Hill and Danny Ferry are probably losing some sleep right now; although Bobby Sura is probably indifferent. Continue Entry» Caption Contest

One of our favorite websites,, is really rolling out the wacky internet gimmicks with their newest "Create a Caption" contest. This would have been a good idea had we not picked up on it. Here are the instructions:
"Submit your best caption using your humor, wit and creativity and we'll post the best ones"
Granted, we're a website that often lacks in the humor, wit and creativity department, but we thought we'd give it a whirl anyway. Hey, Ira Newble can't dribble or shoot, but he plays in the NBA right? So here are the captions we will be formally submitting.

"Look at all those guys on the floor not faking a toe injury!"

"Three perimeter players who can't shoot"

"We are continually disappointed with this administration's failure to provide a lucid, intelligible solution to the current middle-eastern quagmire, with respect to the current geopolitical realities that persist between the separatists and the other warring factions"

"Hurry up and make this our default image on Facebook...oh wait, LeBron doesn't have a valid college e-mail address"

"Reaction to one of Eric Snow's jumpshots"

"What happens at Synergy, stays at Synergy"

photo courtesy of Getty images Continue Entry»

Monday, February 5, 2007

I Didn't Order the F*%#ing Ham Sandwich

It's not every day that the Morgan State basketball program graces the pages of, but today was special. Head basketball coach Todd Bozeman stopped into a local restaurant called Mulligan's after a close battle against the 8-17 Longwood Lancers that resulted in a loss. Apparently, an unhappy and ready to explode Bozeman went ballistic on a waitress when he went to pick up food for the team and was given ham sandwiches. Now, I'm not sure if it was just the ham sandwiches that caused him to freak out or the fact that he just lost to a Lancers team that had its biggest wins of the season against: Virginias-Wise, Norfolk State, Shenandoah, Kennesaw State and High Point (and they also played Oklahoma tough in an 81-40 loss that was a lot closer than it seemed).

Restaurant manager Carlos Holland stated that Bozeman, "Just went belligerent, screaming that he didn't want ham sandwiches," and then grabbed and shook a female assistant manager. Holland later hammed it up (no pun intended) by saying "We had kids in here, nice and quiet eating with their families.....He's the head coach of a university, showing a bad example."

What's next for Bozeman? I don't know, possibly Iona but I doubt it. You really can't blame the guy. What goes unnoticed is the remarkable restraint that he has shown throughout the season. Some coaches might have gone overboard after a 102-76 loss to La Salle (9-14), but not Bozeman. He is a stand-up guy!
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Hollinger's Special Olympic Power Rankings


Not only can I pick sure losers every night in sports, but, believe it or not, I can also write a bad article from time to time. I just needed a quick forum to vent my frustration stemming from the latest Hollinger NBA Power Rankings, which have the Cavs at #16 in the league. This ranking system is about as effective as college football's BCS, and I cant help but wonder if John Hollinger has ever watched an NBA game in his entire life. Let’s take a quick gander at the teams ranked AHEAD of the Cavs in this week’s Hollinger Power Rankings: CLICK HERE FOR THE EXCITING CONCLUSION!

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Rivalry Reaching New Heights

CLEVELAND, OHIO - Apparently this Cavs/Pistons rivalry is getting so intense that even the public-address announcers are getting involved. In Sunday's disgusting performance at home against the thugs from rock city, the Cavs P.A. Announcer Olivier Sedra mocked the voice of the Pistons, John Mason, by saying "Deeetroit turnover," imitating the well known (and hated) "Deeetroit basketball." Immature antics are all well and good here at (In fact, one of our authors is known for bar pranks such as the "Garbage Dump," the "Pool Stick Launch," "Down the Hatch," and the creatively named "Garbage Down the Stairs.") , as long as you aren't doing it down 10 points with little time remaining in a nationally-televised embarrassment. Sources tell me that in retaliation, the Pistons play-by-play television announcer will repeatedly say "Alligator Arms" and "rubber rim" during the next match-up in an attempt at mocking the loser that replaced Reghi.

photo courtesy of

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"Chase"-ing a Comeback

Pete Sampras, who spent a record 286 weeks at No. 1, said he won't return to the regular tour but is ready for the competition.
Tennis fans everywhere have been accusing us of disproportionate Tribe coverage, so I thought we would mix in an ATP blurb. 35-year old Pete Sampras is returning to tennis action. The retired Grand Slam King has been out of tennis for four years, spending most of his time doing films and hanging with Turtle, E and his bro Johnny Drama. Perhaps we should expect a return from Jim Courier, or even Michael Chang. It's not like anyone else is watching tennis at this point. But you better expect more coverage on our end.

photo courtesy of HBO Entertainment
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Lebron Jr.

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CHICAGO, ILLINOIS - Bears star linebacker Brian Urlacher will reportedly sit out the worst event in sports (Yes, I'm obviously referring to the Pro Bowl) due to a toe injury that he suffered while not stopping the run in the Super Bowl yesterday. Fellow star athlete Lebron James can certainly understand where Urlacher is coming from...

"You hate to see one of the great players in the league go down with a fake toe injury," James sympathized. "His only mistake was not faking it earlier. He could have then milked it as an excuse afterwards; a little 'wrinkle' I picked up this season."
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The Robinson Rule

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Nate Robinson is slated to defend his dunk title (You know, the one he stole from Andre Iguodala last year because he is small) during this year's All-Star Weekend festivities. For those of you who are looking forward to seeing him try the same dunk 5,000 times until he finally gets it right and the crowd is asleep, you will be unpleasantly surprised. According to, there is a new rule that only allows players two minutes to complete a dunk once they get the ball. The kicker is that if they can't complete the dunk in the allotted two-minute time period, they will get another two attempts after the time has expired (Over/Under for Robinson's attempts has tentatively been set at 30). For those of you who even care, this year's class of second-rate dunkers will be rounded out by Tyrus Thomas, Gerald Green and Dwight Howard.
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Browns For Sale?

Granted it's a "sweeps month;" meaning the local television news outlets role out their sensationalistic reports in an effort to beef up their ratings - and granted, it's "Action News," but you'll want to check out their investigative report tonight at 11:00. They are rumored to make the case that Randy Lerner has quietly put the Browns up for sale. I'd rather have them ask a more pressing question: Does the Long Island-based Lerner use Mapquest or Google to navigate his way to Cleveland? Continue Entry»

Browns Rumor Mill

This from the Houston Chronicle NFL blog:

"Someone well-connected with the Browns has convinced me that they want Adrian Peterson desperately, which depresses me. I was hoping the Oklahoma running back might slip through the cracks and fall to the eighth spot so the Texans could get him, but now I don't think so.

Here's what has to happen: If JaMarcus Russell ends up going first to the Raiders, Brady Quinn has to impress the scouts so much before the draft that the Browns just have to have him. Quinn is from Columbus, Ohio, and makes no secret of his desire to play for the Browns. If you're like me and you want the Texans to be able to draft Peterson, you need for the first three picks to be Russell, Wisconsin tackle Joe Thomas and Quinn. And it doesn't matter who takes whom. If you're like me, you want Quinn to enhance his ranking before the draft."

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Favre Returns for Another Season

Green Bay, Wisconsin- Football's version of the Messiah has decided to bless us with one more year (at least we hope it is just one more year). Brett Favre decided late last week that he would return for his 17th season. How could he not come back after a 18TD and 18INT season with a 56% completion percentage?

If you are like me and you hate Brett Favre, this decision doesn't surprise you. I am just surprised he didn't hold a press conference while Tony Dungy was giving his speech at the Super Bowl to shine the limelight on himself a little more. I suppose, however, that I am glad that we won't have to wake up every day to ESPN talking about how Brett Favre is a gun-slinger and how he has a good three years left in him.

There has never been a player that has slipped more and somehow maintained his grip on the media more than Brett Favre. After dabbling in Javon Walker's contract negotiations (as if that was his business), Javon Walker ended up tearing his ACL in 2005. Probably would have been nice if Walker could have gotten that contract done before he tore his ACL, but that wasn't in Brett Favre's plans. Or how about Brett Farve holding the team hostage last year and not deciding he was going to play until a few days before the draft. What a team first guy! A guy that is so into his own legacy like Brett Favre will go out on his own terms, just like Emmitt Smith and Jerry Rice. I can't wait to see how miserable he is in 2007 and I look forward to his 2008 appearance on Dancing with the Stars!
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Sunday, February 4, 2007

The Biggest Loser in the World

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