You may or may not have heard that iconic sports talk radio personalities Mike and Mike are going to be the subject of a
roast next month. Cursedcleveland.com is obviously very excited about this because A) We loves roasts, and B) We hate
Mike and Mike in the Mornings, the Evenings or whenever their brand of contrived, politically correct sports talk airs. Now who doesn't love a roast (besides Pamela Anderson, fat people, black people, dead people, Gays, Mexicans and Bea Arthur)?
So keeping with the theme of the less-accomplished roaster trying to deride the "legend(s)" here are some suggestions for Jeff Ross..who obviously doesn't need my help (unless we're talking hair and clothes). It might go a little something like this:
"Mike and Mike, what a dais we have here tonight. We've got Jim Rome, the Fabulous Sports Babe, Barry Bonds and Craig Kilborn. Admittedly Kilborn, you were hard to locate. I checked unemployment lines, sex registry lists; yet nothing. What the hell have you been doing lately? I think Tom Mees has been on TV more than you in the past 5 years!"
"Mike and Mike get very good ratings, that's no secret. Although seriously guys, who wouldn't get ratings on ESPN (besides Playmakers, Stump the Schwab, Cheap Seats, Dreamjob Season 3, Unscripted with Chris Connelly, Bonds on Bonds, Beg Borrow and Deal, I'd Do Anything, Knight School and Fitness Beach). Would your show do as well on Lifetime or Al Jazeera? Actually, they've got you beat on Al Jazeera. It's Muhammad and Muhammad in the Ramadan. What Makes them different is what makes them likely to target innocent civilians in an act of terrorism"
"Now Mike and Mike, to be honest, enough is enough with the steroid talk. Every day it's steroids. If Barry Bonds did as much steroids and you guys talked about steroids, then he would look like the Fabulous Sports Babe."
"Hey look it's Jim Rome on the daius. Watching his television show, I haven't seen so much scripted entertainment since the WWE. Everyone remembers when Rome's schtick use to be his unrelenting, no holds barred interview approach? Now the guy loves everyone. He's about as hardball as Oprah at this point. And what's with the long moments of silence during his sentences? He's taking longer pauses after his last breath than Sean Taylor following a home invasion. "
"Seriously Mike and Mike - do you really have a segment called 'News of the Weird?' Every hacky local radio show called, they want their bit back."
And it's comforting to know that Mike and Mike in the Morning is in some capacity, reduplicated on SportsCenter, ESPN.com, ESPN the Magazine, and ESPN 2. You're now officially more overexposed than Gary Miller on a Cleveland balcony.
And enough of the corny songs with low production value. Your novelty songs make that crazy Ray Stevens seem like a comedic genius.
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Ok Ok, right now you may be saying, "This guy calls himself an expert and comes out and loses his first 3?!?." However, what you do not realize, is that I've been handicapping for the past month with a deep bone bruise in my leg and a badly sprained finger, not to mention I'm undergoing brutal contract negotiations with CursedCleveland at the moment, so take that into consideration. Yes, I did go 0-3 last nite but hey, even Ron Jeremy shoots a blank from time to time (I have no evidence of that statement being true, just wanted to put a Ron Jeremy pic up). Not to fear though, I do my best work under pressure and we still have $40 to work with so tonight we will get our money back. Here's what were gonna do:
