Wednesday, February 7, 2007

"Out"numbered Six-to-One

Following today’s announcement that former five-year NBA center John Amaechi is homosexual, we here at decided to do our best Carl Monday (insert joke here) and do some investigative reporting regarding sexual orientation in professional sports. Our findings may surprise you. While Amaechi is indeed the first professional basketball player to “come out,” he surely is not the first professional athlete. Amaechi joins former NFL running back David Kopay, offensive lineman Roy Simmons and defensive lineman Esera Tuaolo, former L.A. Dodger outfielder Glenn Burke and utility infielder Billy Bean as the only openly gay athletes in America.

Conversely, only one American professional athlete, Mike Piazza of the Oakland Athletics, has come out to publicly declare his heterosexuality. “I am not gay. I am heterosexual,” Piazza declared publicly in May of 2002. Surprisingly, he is the first and only professional athlete to openly declare his heterosexuality.

So let the record reflect our final statistics. As of today, American professional sport boasts six athletes that have proclaimed their fondness for the same sex, while only Piazza has declared his heterosexuality. Stat check: Gay-6 Straight-1

Upon revealing this surprising statistic, we here at welcome Kerry Kittles, Christian Laettner, Michael Strahan, Jeff Foster and Alex Rodriguez to publicly declare their heterosexuality immediately so that gap between openly gay and openly straight athletes may be closed. No really, we’ve been wondering…

CORRECTION: After the publication of this article, it has been brought to our attention that John Amaechi is indeed NOT the first professional basketball player to “come out.” Cheryl Swoopes of WNBA fame openly announced her sexual relationship with another woman in October of 2005.

SECOND CORRECTION: Upon further review, we rescind our first correction. While Cheryl Swoopes did in fact declare her lesbianism in 2005, we were mistaken in referring to the WNBA as a professional sport. We apologize for our error and any damage it may have caused.

On a completely unrelated note, The Plain Dealer is reporting that girls like to kiss other girls.

-Posted by Insider Columnist Juice Brennan-


Showtune Sally said...

Sure this wasn't posted by Tike Clivisonno?

Good stuff nonetheless Bruce!

Post a Comment