An All-Star Weekend to Forget

SIN CITY - This weekend's all-star festivities were a disappointment to say the least. Perhaps spending the week in Las Vegas drained all of the emotion and energy out of the players, or perhaps they just didn't care to put on a good show (Although apparently Charles Barkley felt like kissing another guy to get a rise out of the John Amaechi's of the world, or to punish the Tim Hardaways). In lieu of this awful television experience, I feel it necessary to list the top 5 miserable parts of this weekend's mishap:

5. Shaquille O'neal looked like he has never played basketball before, much like he has looked throughout this past few weeks of the regular season. I mean this guy is missing dunks, clanging baby hooks off the backboard (I know he's done this before, but it's never been this ugly), and if he wasn't the best 7'1" dancer on the planet he'd be higher on this list.

4. Jason Kapono wins the 3-pt. shootout, showing us that you can get a trophy in this league even if you can't dribble a basketball (Yes, I know he has the highest 3-pt. percentage of all time, but even so nobody wanted to see him win this event, especially not us Clevelanders).

3. The Dunk Contest in general was terrible and non-dramatic. Nate Robinson did as we expected and tried the same dunk 3,000,000 times, and Dwight Howard, who had the only really creative idea in the contest, was left out of the finals. Congratulations to Gerald Green for reenacting Dee Brown's old school dunk, and then going ahead and looking up at the rim at the last second to complete the "Blind" dunk (Was anyone else hoping that the judges had their unis on under their suits and would come out and have their own contest after the losers that were in the real one finished boring us?)

2. The All-Star game itself had about 3 highlights that are even worth watching. Kudos to Lebron for trying the off the backboard dunk, and then not realizing that Amare Stoudemire was in the way and toppling to the ground scaring the living hell out of every Cavs fan who hadn't turned the game off already. Perhaps the NBA should change their new marketing slogan from "Will you be watching when..." to "Will anybody watch this again?"

1. Wayne Newton should be banished from any sports event, and also from his own Vegas show. I don't know what I hated more, the fact that he wasn't actually singing or that he kept coming back and singing more songs when I thought he was done (Also, didn't it look like he was singing into a golden dildo instead of a microphone? Maybe thats why the sound was off). I know now one sight that I won't have to see when I go to vegas this summer, in fact I'll cancel the trip all together if he's even in town that weekend.

Picture courtesy of NBA.com

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He Can't Dunk Anymore, But He Can Still Dance

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No -Star Weekend?

LAS VEGAS, NV - So when did the usually glamorous NBA All-Star game morph itself into the NFL Pro Bowl? Guys are pulling out faster than...wait a second, can't go with an NBA sex joke because as everyone knows, NBA players don't believe in pulling out EVER. We go from Steve Nash, AI, Kidd, Yao and Boozer to Mehmet Okur, Chucky Atkins, Bo Outlaw, Rasual Butler and Melvin Ely (Boozer does know the game's not in Cleveland right?). The "Surreal Life Season 3" had more stars. Incidentally, the cast for season 7 will include Phil Helmuth, Miss Cleo, Macho Man and Carrot Top, among others. So it begs the question: Who wins in a Texas Hold'em battle between Helmuth, Cleo and Carrot Top? One would think Miss Cleo could summon her phony psychic powers, while an argument could be made that Carrot Top could develop some kind of zany device that would be short on humor, yet useful for poker cheating. Continue Entry»

Long Distance Shootout Set

LAS VEGAS, NV - The self-proclaimed "Best shooter in the world," now knows who his competition will be in the three-point contest next week. Joining Jones will be Agent Zero, Dirk, Nash and J-Kap (we can all agree Kapono has earned a nickname at this point, can't we?). We're not entirely sure that Jones is best suited for this contest - although he won't have to guard anyone, which helps. With only 60 seconds to get to all five racks, Jones's famous "three on the platter" routine puts him in serious jeopardy of only getting 10 or so shots off in the allotted time. Despite that, Jones has been gearing up for this type of attention since birth.

"I'm a walking sound bite. I'm walking entertainment. There's not going to be a bigger stage than Vegas this year. The lights, glitter, cameras and action fits in with my persona."

How can they not have Jones mic'd up for the entire week? They could make this on-demand type programming immediately, and i'll get right to it right after finishing up the third season of "Cathouse" and the new "Hookers at the Point."

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The Robinson Rule

photo courtesy of chinadaily.com

Nate Robinson is slated to defend his dunk title (You know, the one he stole from Andre Iguodala last year because he is small) during this year's All-Star Weekend festivities. For those of you who are looking forward to seeing him try the same dunk 5,000 times until he finally gets it right and the crowd is asleep, you will be unpleasantly surprised. According to espn.com, there is a new rule that only allows players two minutes to complete a dunk once they get the ball. The kicker is that if they can't complete the dunk in the allotted two-minute time period, they will get another two attempts after the time has expired (Over/Under for Robinson's attempts has tentatively been set at 30). For those of you who even care, this year's class of second-rate dunkers will be rounded out by Tyrus Thomas, Gerald Green and Dwight Howard.

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Stars Align for NBA Skills Challenge

Photo Courtesy of hammer.yirku.net

LAS VEGAS, NEVADA - This year, the NBA Skills Challenge will play host to the 4 biggest stars in the league today: Kobe Bryant, Dwyane Wade, Steve Nash and Lebron James (Nash and Wade are past champions....Who Cares?). I wonder if they forgot that this is the worst competition that All-Star Weekends have featured since "2-Ball." I don't know about the rest of you, but I can't wait to see the superstars of this league dribbling around an obstacle course and passing balls into nets before shooting one non-climactic shot to stop the clock (Way more exciting than watching three of the league's best dunkers in the dunk contest and Nash in the 3-pt. Shootout). Personally, I'd rather watch the rookie game, the old-timers game, hell I'd rather watch a badminton game than this terrible event.

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2007 NBA All Stars Announced

Photo Courtesy of Nba.com

LAS VEGAS, NEVADA - The 2007 NBA All-Star Dance Team was announced today (The actual All-Star players were announced too in case anyone cares), and we'd like to congratulate Amanda of the Cavaliers dance team on making her first All-Star game. Clearly her hard work has paid off (manicures, getting her hair done, working out, implants?) and she will travel to Sin City for the February 18th extravaganza to "Strut her stuff." Amanda enjoys sewing and would one day like to own a boutique of her own. She says that the three words that describe her best are honest, trustworthy and real (I was thinking "Hot"). If you care to find out more about Amanda (or look at more pictures of her), click here. In related news, native son Lebron James was the leading vote getter for the All-Star Game itself (And you guys say we don't talk about Cleveland sports).

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