Now THIS is Funny!

Melbourne, Australia - According to reports, the wildebeast sisters had a run in with a streaker in the middle of their doubles match today. Apparently the man was wearing nothing but a shirt, and had a few dance moves to show off to the crowd before running towards an exit. When interviewed after the match concluded, Venus Williams said "I can't believe that guy's penis was bigger than Serena's!" Serena nodded. These two muscle bound freaks haven't seen a naked man in years, god bless this guy for trying to keep them from being full on lesbians. Oh yea, they won the match, you know because they're bigger and stronger than all the other women are....and most of the men are.

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A.J. Smith Hates L.T

San Diego, CA - The week of public bashings continues as Chargers general manager A.J. Smith went ahead and publically mocked star running back Ladanian Tomlinson on Wednesday. According to reports, L.T. posted on his website that he had "NO intentions of leaving San Diego." That's nice, considering if he did it wouldn't be his choice anyways, you know because he's still under contract. In a related report, he also told close friends that he had "NO intentions of ever playing in a meaningful playoff game." In response to this, Smith told the San Diego Union Tribune:

"My first reaction was we both have similar feelings. I have no intentions of leaving San Diego. San Diego is where my GM career started and where I’d like it to end. I also have nothing but love and the utmost respect for this team, the players and the Spanos family. I have absolutely no control over how long I will be with the Chargers."
“As for now, I am the Chargers’ GM, and I have major decisions to ponder for the organization now and in the future. My recommendation to Dean Spanos will be what’s in the best interest of the team – both short and long term. That’s my job. That’s what Dean hired me to do.”

Look, Tomlinson has been one of the best running backs, if not the best in the league for years now. The problem is, he's getting older and lately the guy gets banged up a lot. He's also missed a bunch of playoff games, and screwed a bunch of fantasy football owners this year. Say what you will about Darren Sproles, but he's a midget and isn't an every down back in this league. A.J. Smith is a proven asshole, and I'm ok with that. I see no good reason why you can't taunt a player who sat out the divisional round with a vaginal tear, well that is if you're planning on releasing him. On the other hand, if Smith was a good GM, he might have considered hanging on to Michael Turner, you know the current Pro Bowler who averaged over 5 yards per carry in his Chargers career. If he had this kind of a season behind the Falcons O-Line, imagine what he might have done over the course of the year with the Chargers' star-studded line blocking for him.

The AFC West which is arguably the shittiest division in football, is not helping it's plight this offseason so far. Shanahan was fired, Herm Edwards is on the ropes (and is a terrible coach, motivator, and all around person), the Raiders are a complete disaster and now this...what's next? Stay tuned to CursedCleveland.com for all of your non-Cleveland sports information!

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For Once We Laugh At Dane Cook

CRICKETS - It's now become apparent that theft runs in Dane Cook's family. While he's busy strealing jokes, his brother-in-law is busy stealing Dane's millions. This explains why the alleged funnyman has been making movies non-stop as he attempts to rebuild his fortune (thank goodness for high school girls, who've spend more money these days seeing Dane perform than they do on lip gloss, cigarettes and MSN Messenger-compatible webcams...not that I would know)

Movies have been very good to Dane, and why not? For someone who's made a career with other comic's funny lines, it's an easy transition to read someone else's movie lines. By the way, he's gone from looking like this to looking like this for his most recent role. So not only is he stealing jokes, but he's also stealing Carrot Top's trunk full of HGH. Now I realize that Dane is a great performer, but if I want to see elaborate on-stage performances, I'd go see Cirque Du Soleil - and I'd probably laugh more.

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Newzin'

Browns continue to fill coaching staff, without GM. They might as well fill out the roster and negotiate contracts while they're at it, so we can completely make the GM irrelevant. Quintet of assistants named

So how many shots is LeBron going to chuck in this year's All-Star Game? (My money is on 24, considering he's taken 22, 20 and 21 respectively). All-Stars announced

And you thought Mike Brown didn't make adjustments. Girls teams scored 0 in the first half, then after impassioned half time speech, scores 0 in the 2nd half. Team loses 100-0

Did you know Cliff Lee beat out LeBron as the Cleveland pro athlete of the year? Lee wary of star attention

Oh no, Andrei Arlovski's trainer said his fighter is a better striker than Fedor. Big fight on Saturaday night. Fedor has intimidating style

Ohio's jobless rate soars, and they mistakingly counted Romeo Crennel twice (he took up two spots in the unemployment line). Jobless rate at 7.8%

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Too Good To Be True

Decatur, AL - Just months after Plaxico Burress shot himself, his replacement on the team went and got shot too! Taye Biddle, who was brought on from the practice squad to fill the void left by Burress, was visiting family when he was shot in the hand and the leg. How's this for irony? Large black man gets shot in the leg while assuming the role of another large black man who shot himself in the leg, you can't dream shit like this up!

My first reaction was to laugh, but I thought that was a bit harsh...and then my second reaction was also to laugh, so I laughed....and I'm still laughing. On a positive note, this guy looks like an animal in his uniform, too bad the only uniform he'll be wearing anytime soon will be his hospital gown. Hang in there Taye, at least you'll have a story to tell your grandchildren, because you certainly won't be telling them any on-field stories from your NFL career.

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Cuts in Berea Not Involving Staph Infection

BEREA - As we referenced earlier, the lagging economy reared it's ugly head once again (seen above and to the left) as Browns owner Randy Lerner was forced to make some tough decisions today. And for once, those decisions had nothing to do with whether or not Stiliyan Petrov's well-publicized spat with new club manager Martin O'Neill will further hamstring Aston Villa's efforts to overcome the early hole they've once again dug themselves into (I know, check out our sister site "VoodoedVilla.com" for all the details.

Instead, it's all about the laying off of at least 12 Browns' staffers just days after MLK day - although some of outgoing PR workers were heard proclaiming "free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty we are free at last." Either way, it's sad to see yet another group of Clevelanders wtihout a job, especially when Trafis Hafner is still gainfully employed (and Greg Brinda). We have invited Randy to appear on our next podcast, but we likely have a better chance of landing Al Lerner at this point.

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Shaq Hates Dwight Howard

NEW YORK, NY - When asked last night if Dwight Howard would be the next closest thing to Shaq that he's seen, Shaquille O'neal responded with the arrogance and dry humor that's made him the funniest person over 7 feet tall on the planet year after year:

"No," he said. "Not at all. He's a good player. He can jump. But no. I was the type of player that they had to have secret meetings and change the rules and do all that. Probably never be another me. He's a good player, but everything he's done, I've invented. So I'm not impressed."

O'neal has had a way with words over the years, calling out nearly every competitor in the league. Who doesn't remember the Kobe rap, the Yao Ming comments, or even the haymaker that nearly ended Brad Miller's life.

The thing about this one is that he couldn't be more wrong if he tried. Dwight Howard is a carbon copy of a young O'Neal, well with more muscle definition, and can jump higher, and shoots a higher free throw percentage, and is faster, quicker and a better dunker. Anyhow, I for one am not that impressed with the Magic, or Dwight Howard's game. He's a beast, don't get me wrong, but he's only good because of his athletic ability at his size. He can't shoot (from more than 5 feet from the basket, including the free throw line), has average low post moves, and has been shut down in the playoffs his entire career. Yea, I know he is an animal on the glass and on defense, but how could you not be at this size?

Am I the only one who couldn't be less worried about this team in the playoffs? Take a look at the game film from the last two Detroit playoff series'....fact is that even with Howard in the middle, this is a jump shooting basketball team. We all know how well jump shooting teams do in the playoffs. On the other hand, Jameer Nelson is having a phenomenal year, Rashard Lewis is still terribly overrated, and Turkoglu is pretty solid and a go-to guy down the stretch in close games. The rest of this team is baaaad, you're not going anywhere in this league with a bench comprised of Mickael Pietrus, Brian Cook, Tony Battie, Anthony Johnson and Marcin Gortat. Sorry Orlando, Shaq's not impressed, and neither am I.

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