Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Indians Front Office to Rely on Message Boards in 08



CLEVELAND - The Cleveland Indians, considered around Major League Baseball as a budget-minded organization that champions value, has decided to shift personnel evaluation from their scouts - to free, easily accessible internet message boards.

The reigning American Central League Champions came within one game of advancing to the World Series in 07, only to be defeated by Boston Red Sox in three straight games. Many analysts believe the Indians playoff success will be short-lived because of their modest payroll.

“We recognized that as an organization, we have to constantly seek new answers and to think outside the box in order to improve this team,” said Indians GM Mark Shapiro. “Who better to turn to than our most fervent sect of followers, who wear their emoticons - I mean, emotions on their sleeves and refuse to settle for anything less than 1000 baseball. Nuff said.”

Shapiro will peruse five Indians message boards on a daily basis, each one systematically saved to his favorites in alphabetical order. He says he’ll put more of an emphasis on threads that are either “stickied” (a designation for topics that are permanently stationed towards the top of the board), or those that feature an animated fiery ball that denotes a highly responded to post.

Shapiro’s critics will almost assuredly point to the fickle nature of message boards, and that often times, emotions arouse to a point of irrationality after losses. Despite those concerns, the 2005, 07 Executive of the Year is determined to register and log on like everyone else.

“I’m not going to sit here and act like we’ll be hiring and firing coaches daily based solely on typical message board overreaction,” Shapiro said. “But if there’s a clarion call that demands a new direction, we’ll be emboldened by our fan base to make the necessary changes. If the sentiment is universal that a guy needs to be gone or that our manager got outmanaged, we won't hesitate to make the necessary moves."

The Indians first move under the new organizational setup was to re-implement the use of Chief Wahoo on all their uniforms – something Shapiro said was an easy decision; while viewing a recently "bumped" thread.

“IIRC, the majority of emoticons our fans use to illustrate their discontent, bears a strong resemblance to the offensive red-faced logo emblazoned on our uniforms since the 1940’s,” Shaprio said. “And if anyone has a problem with it, then pffffft to them - fwiw”
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Monday, November 5, 2007

Browns Defense Gets a Stop?



4th and one with the "Season of dreams" hanging in the balance, and our Cleveland Browns defense stiffens like Ryan Shay after a 26-mile stroll? (By the way, I'm now officially kicking myself for not entering the NY Marathon this weekend...no matter how slow I would have run, it's guaranteed I wouldn't have finished in last). Who'd of thunk it that Browns defense would make a play when it counted? Not this guy (Yes, I'm predictably directing the thumbs of both my left and right hands in a manner as if to complete a hilarious, clichéd punch line in which the individual who's the object of the self finger-pointing happens to be the same masterful jokester who crafted the setup). So the Browns are 5-3 and Romeo is going NOWHERE, except back to the tailor to get his suits taken out (for the fifth time in as many months! (If you've got a better fat joke, please submit it under our extremely popular comments section).

So people have been calling me about the Brady Quinn situation. I'm here to tell you there is NO Brady Quinn situation. He now sits and waits until Derek Anderson gets injured - end of story. Anyone else noticing the interesting dynamic of Derek Anderson and his receivers? D.A. has about as much in common with K2 & Braylon as Lance Armstrong has with Ashley Olsen. (By the way Lance, you're a little late on this one, don't you think? Olsen hasn't been a sexy in eight years (checking the math...21-8 = 13..) Scratch that...9 years. You've got fatal flaws with K2 (worst NFL blocker since Robert Gallery) and Braylon (dropsies)...yet D.A continues to give them chances to succeed, and somehow they do.

By the way, shut up about the prevent defense. What would all the creative people have used as an adage if it was called the "enable defense?" Legitimately, the BBDB (bend-but-don't-break) defense has kept 95% of losing teams out of the endzone. Problem is, it's the 5% that people remember. Well, I had zero problem with Romeo rushing three at the end of regulation. Did you really trust our DB's who had already given up a career day (literally) to Bobby Engram, to keep from getting burnt? Exactly.


By the way..the movie poster above is "Flowers in the Attack" one of my childhood favorites. It's a dark movie that interweaves abuse, murder and incest all in a 90-minute thrill ride! And by thrill ride, I'm of course referring to some of the worst acting this side of Kristy Swanson (who's ironically in the movie!). Did I mention there are numerous scenes where incest is strategically implied?
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Wednesday, October 31, 2007

CursedCleveland.com's Annual Halloween Post!


First of all...here's a completely fictitious aol instant messenger conversation that eventually led to the our special Halloween relaunch of CursedCleveland.com.



IloveBraylon69: So what's your costume going to
be?


2girls1cuplover: I was thinking either a
registered sex offender or LeBron's free throw shooting coach.

IloveBraylon69: LeBron has a free throw shooting
coach?

2girls1cuplover: Yeah that's true...I guess I'd have a better chance dressing up as LeBron's father.

Screw that.. registered sex offender it is.

IloveBraylong69: So you're obviously going as yourself

2girls1cuplover: You got it.

IloveBraylong69: Hey, remember that unsuccessful site that we ran that not
only wasted our time, but also our reader's?

2girls1cuplover: PregnantSororityVirgins.com?

IloveBraylon69: The other one

2girls1cuplover: CursedCleveland.com?

IloveBraylon69: Yep..let's relaunch

2girls1cuplover: Sure.


So there you have it. Much has happened during our four-month hiatus. For one...many more terrible Cleveland sports blogs have started. I figured someone out there would at least stumble onto a creative and compelling format. Never once happened. Why would I want to read someone else's unfunny hack writing, when I have my own to fall back on? So here's just a taste of the events that we may have missed, with an exhaustive bank of opinions and analysis to follow. Readers are encouraged to write in with more if they'd like more reaction.


LeBron plays well in the olympics: Technically everyone played well (except for Billups). Also, can idiot fans stop calling Rizzo's show with "Look how great LeBron played with a point guard! See.! That proves how good the Cavs could be with a point guard!" Oh really? Did we really need Team USA to prove this? We're just now finding out that all-star point guards are valuable? Also, EVERYONE played well on Team USA. So I'm not exactly sure why Cavs fan hang onto this egocentric view that only LeBron plays better with a point guard. Also - how about the fact that Kobe Bryant was on this team as well? Did that help anyones cause?


Indians go on amazing post-season run: Well, if we're prepared to call winning a 5 game series against a team of the brink of disbanding and then choking away three straight games in humiliating fashion, then I guess a "run" it is. Obviously it was exciting and they should be happy they got as far as they did - but let's be honest, unless the Dolans demonstrate a willingness to bring in free agents, then there's no guarantee this team every makes the playoffs again. See the ultimate misnomer in baseball is that spending money doesn't guarantee you anything. Not true. It guarantees you that the percentages are on your side for making the playoffs. And as we know, advancing in the MLB playoffs is about as skill-driven rock scissors paper.
Browns are potentially playoff bound: The one and only disappointing aspect of this year is that the Browns let this guy get away. The fact is, the Browns have a legitimately explosive offense. The defense: About as good as you would expect with a team granting serious playing time to Simon Frasier. Has anyone purchased TradeBradyQuinn.com?
Continue Entry»

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Michael Vick Loves Dogs


It looks as if "Ron Mexico" may not be suiting up for the first day of minicamp, as he will be arraigned by a federal court on the very same day that he's supposed to uncomfortably put his pads on over his herpes outbreaks and get ready for another mediocre, injury-plagued season. Usually, I'm all for athletes getting in trouble off the field, in fact it's well documented that I actually support players who do awful shit in their personal lives and then perform well on the field, court or whatever the surface may be (Kobe Bryant, T.O., Barry Bonds...I could be here all night listing the crop of awful people I support). That being said, this is a situation that even I can't comprehend. I mean there are reports of this guy actually hanging puppies, electrocuting dogs who wouldn't fight, and it's even being speculated that Mr. Vick may have even eaten a live human being. At least he will have lots of street cred when he gets into prison, since to these "Thugs" having a pittbull is some sort of symbol of power. On a related note, we have a small white and brown cat named Frank at our house, does that give us any Street Cred? Come on, not even a little? What if we brought in a big bad Siamese cat and made them fight to the death? What the hell is wrong with this guy?

I doubt this guy will ever play professional football again, and I can't even imagine how miserable it will be trying to watch SportsCenter for the next few months with this garbage as the headline every day. All kidding aside though, the most important part of this equation clearly revolves around Madden '08. We have to assume that he's already in the game, due to the fact that it will be released in less than a month. However, if they pull him out of the game, every bad Madden player on earth who relies on rolling out of the pocket with Vick and running every down will be shit outta luck. Check back for further updates, as we at CursedCleveland.com will do everything in our power to not post anything for the next month or so. Continue Entry»

Thursday, July 5, 2007

My Wish

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Saturday, June 30, 2007

Draft Dodging


OK, so Thursday night the Cavaliers organization was about as active as Chris Benoit's upcoming 4th of July family picnic, but it this necessarily a bad thing? People in the collective Cavs nation are seemingly outraged about their lack of a draft deal. But of course, half of the "Cavs nation" just started watching basketball four years ago (and that includes Kenny Roda, and myself, and Mike Brown).

This morning in Brian Windhorst's critically acclaimed blog, he reports that Chris Sheridan wrote that a Larry Hughes deal might be on the horizon.

he heard the Cavs were shopping Larry Hughes. This is true and this has been true since the trading deadline when Danny Ferry openly told the media that he had conversations about every player on his roster with the exception of LeBron James....he’s just not a good fit with LeBron at this point. They do not complement each other and most times they do not have a great chemistry on the court.

Hmm..they don't complement each other? I thought LeBron supposedly has this all-encompassing, omniscient ability to make the game easier for everyone. Sure seems that Gilbert Arenas was able to mesh fairly well with Larry Hughes...

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In Bill Livingston's profoundly confusing piece this morning about past finals sweeps, he lets it be known that the Cavs/Spurs cannot possibly be considered the most lopsided sweep of all time. Well, it came in second place. But remember, second place only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades and the Special Olympics.

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Also, count CursedCleveland.com as one of the leading nattering nabobs of negativity when it comes to LeBron's decision to play in next month's FIBA America's tournament. Not necessarily because we care about his durability, but mostly because we care about Team USA's fortunes. Other than marketing considerations, we still don't understand why he was invited to play on Team USA. You would think we'd have this down by now. Guys who don't have a midrange game and can't shoot consistently from the outside are a liability, not a plus in international league play.

Sure the rules are gimmicky and senseless (International officials stole many ideas from this game show), but it doesn't change the fact that LeBron dribbled way too much and took way, wayyyy too many perimeter jumpers last year - and what exactly have we seen in 2007 to make us think he's learned his lessons? Not to mention he still can't shoot free throws or commit himself on the defensive end, or complete a sentence without continued double negative use. Continue Entry»

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Trade LeBron for Kobe


Before I get to the central premise of this post, I have two simple questions I'd like our four remaining readers to answer objectively:

1) How certain are you that someone who wants to be the richest man in the world and who wants to optimize his exposure on an international level will actually sign an extension to stay in Cleveland, Ohio?

2) In all honestly, who would you rather have in an NBA finals to help win you a title RIGHT NOW against a team that will flat-out not allow you to get to the basket? A 22 year-old specimen who lacks a mid-range game who would continue to "get guys involved" even if he was playing in a coed wheelchair basketball league, or a seasoned vet with rings and an ability to score 35 points a game on jump shots alone who refuses to let a weak supporting cast cost him games when they're not hitting?

My answers:
1: Not very
2: Kobe Bryant

We learned something very important during the playoff run: The Cavalier supporting cast is much better than they've been getting credit for. Think about it. LeBron's shooting percentage during the entire post-season was an unimpressive 41% - and that includes his fluky 48-point game 5 performance against the Pistons. (And by the way, LeBron was one of the worst three-point shooters in the NBA this season. Once the playoffs started, it got historically bad - he shot 28%. This aspect of his game just should just NOT be part of his arsenal. Keep in mind, that teams are giving him this shot b/c they are rightly terrified about his ability to get to the hole). Yet despite his poor shooting and equally bad decision making, the Cavaliers continued to win.

Now back to the alleged "bad" supporting cast. The same supporting cast that had a second round draft pick step up and outplay LeBron in San Antonio. How many rookies in the league have EVER done that in the NBA finals on the road?

How about an undersized power forward who shot over 50% and nabbed 6 rebounds a game while playing only half the minutes, while also shutting down Detroit's power forwards late in the series both mentally and physically? AV's pretty good, and when paired up with Drew Gooden, the Cavaliers get a very solid 48 minutes of power forward play a night.

While Larry Hughes' injuries clearly caught up to him, he outplayed LeBron in the Wizards series (each game was much closer than they should have been, and Hughes was the guy hitting shots down the stretch).

And don't forget about Z and how he single-handedly dismantled the Wiz and had his moments in the Detroit series while giving them fits on the boards.

So this team obviously has some talent and is closer to a championship than so many of us thought they were. LeBron is a huge part of this - if not the biggest (although I could write 5000 words on why Mike Brown was more important, but then you'll call me Skip Bayless and then I would threaten to fight you).

So given the fact that I'm not willing to risk losing LeBron b/c Cleveland isn't exactly a haven for "global icons," - LeBron's poorly chosen words, not mine, and given the fact that Kobe is still the best player in the game and the most annoying guy to defend in the league (other than the tuberculosis guy), I think the Cavs organization would be crazy not to pursue a LeBron James for Kobe Bryant trade, all salary cap restrictions considered. The Cavs could even throw in Gloria's yellow plates to make the deal work!

Think about it how unique this opportunity would be in the history of sports. When could you add the best player in the game to a team that just made it to the finals? I know the concept is sacrilege to Clevelanders, who are myopic enough to believe the city of Cleveland could actually be able to retain a young, talented employee. Continue Entry»