Friday, January 26, 2007

2007 All-Madden Dead Celebrity Team

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CHICAGO, ILLINOIS - Everybody who knows our good buddy Phil "40oz." Thompson knows that he is one of the meanest people on the planet. He also has no concern for his friends, family, or any other human for that matter (This is obviously why we like him....well sometimes we do). For years we have been hearing rumors of a team that Phil had created on Madden football where he proudly featured some of the most recently deceased celebrities. He refused to disclose details to anyone until the rosters could be completed. Well, to the delight of, recent mishaps in the lives of a few have allowed the rosters to be finalized. We are proud to present the full roster for the 2007 All-Dead Team as follows (Please do not read any further if you are unable to laugh at the misfortunes of others, this article is meant strictly for entertainment, and is not meant to offend or upset anyone):
Head Coach- Jimmy Valvano Offensive Coordinator- Saddam Hussein
Defensive Coordinator- Ken Lay Team Doctors- Arthur Ashe & Christopher Reeves
Sideline Reporter- Princess Diana President of Football Operations- Gerald Ford
Team Mascot-Steve Irwin
QB- Payne Stewart RB- Dale Earnhardt C- Laci Peterson
LG- John Candy LT- Kirby Puckett RG- Natalee Holloway
RT- Gerald Levert WR- Len Bias WR- Bobby Phills
TE- JonBenet Ramsey TE- Aaliyah FB- Yasser Arafat
DE- Ken Caminiti DT- Notorious B.I.G. DT- Big Punisher
DE- Chris Farley OLB-JFK Jr. MLB- John Belushi
OLB- Phil Hartman CB- Ron Goldman CB- Drazen Petrovic
FS- Tupac Shakur SS- Nicole Brown Simpson
P- John Lennon K- Lisa "LeftEye" Lopez KR/PR- Sonny Bono
Wedge Buster- Kurt Cobain-This guy's not afraid to blast through anything!
ANALYSIS: Some of the team leaders include Dale Earnhardt at running back for his expert ability to maneuver through crowded areas and isn’t afraid to take on a tackler head on! The anchor for the Offensive line is easily Natalee Holloway. Her ability to create a hole and only allow the perpetrator to know where it is, keeps defenses struggling to bring down the ball carrier. I believe the tight ends speak for themselves, JonBenet Ramsey and Aaliyah share these duties depending the situation. Tupac was a unanimous choice at free safety and continues to lead the team in both open field tackles and post game celebrations. Despite his problems in the Coaches vs Cancer Classic, we're still confident Jim Valvano could coach these teams. The Defensive line is as close to a perfect front four as you can get. With Caminiti and Farley relying on their size, strength, energy, and pure Columbian Cocaine, there hasn’t been a better pass rush in the history of football. The meat in the middle, Big Pun and Biggie, make running on this team impossible. While there currently isn’t a “Rooney Rule” in place for the QB position, we only saw one potential candidate to fill this spot. That person is none other than Mr. Payne Stewart. His fiery personality and leadership skills will take this team to the top, and even after we have stopped firing on all cylinders, he will help the team coast for a lengthy period of time before we come to a crashing halt. The coaching staff and other skill positions also were pretty obvious choices. Sonny Bono’s disregard for his own body landed him as the starting kick and punt returner, while Arthur Ashe is there for any medical attention the players might need. Local R&B legend Gerald Levert, would sing the national anthem.
(*Special Note- This team will not be updated for many years, as it will take many more unfortunate events to replace this incredibly talented roster.)


Devin Rasmussen said...

This isn't right, oh my god. You guys will be going to hell. LOL. This site is going to be the talk of the town.

Jameson Rubinski said...

Wow, the Jon Benet - just cruel!

Scotty P said...

You know who was left out? Laci Peterson. I played some coed ball with her over the years. Hell of a left fielder.

Laci P. said...

Dude, I'm the center of this team!

scotty p said...

Well honestly i didnt pay attention to you while you were around, why would i now?

Stephen Cartopolis said...

Hilarious article. I've honestly never seen a Cleveland site so full of comedy. Nice job guys, i'm envious that I didn't come up with it first.

pfulls said...

Outstanding!!! The team doctors might be my favorite. I was leaning towards Easy E but Reeves and Ashe are very respectable and more sportslike figures.

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